Rule Number 8
by purplepagoda
Summary: Rule number eight-never take anything for granted. Can also mean, never take anyone for granted. Never take your partner for granted, because the moment that you do, is the moment you lose them, forever. Will Tony will figure it out before it's too late?
1. Heart In Armor

She stands in the women's bathroom. She washes her hands. She hears the door open.

"DiNozzo, not now," she warns.

She doesn't get a response. She looks in the mirror, and finds that it's not DiNozzo who is standing behind her.

"What are you doing in here?"

"Isn't this where you have all of your private conversations?"

"Not all of them."

"The ones here, at work?"

"Yes," she nods, "Why are you in here? I am fine?"

"You're fine? Really?" he questions.

"Gibbs, I am fine."

"No you're not."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Not an option. I'm not letting you off the hook this time."

"There is nothing to talk about."

"Nothing to talk about? How many times have you ran in here this morning?"

"I wasn't counting."

"Three," he reveals.

"I guess..."

He cuts her off, "Ziva don't lie to me. There is no use. I know."

"No, you don't," she argues.

"Ziva, I know."

"Know what? What is there to know, exactly?"

"You don't want to talk about it, I can understand that, but I know. I know that look."

"What look?"

"I've seen it before a few times. It is a look that I would recognize anywhere."

"What look?"

"A panic-stricken look."

"I am not panic-stricken."

"It is ok to admit that you're afraid."

"Gibbs, I don't want to do this."

"Maybe not, but we are. We are going to finish this discussion."

"Because it's not going away. It's not something that you can work through, on your own, is it?"

"No, and I can't fix it, but neither can you."

"It isn't broken."

"No."

"But?"

"It's a mistake."

"You think that this is a mistake? You can change your mind, if you think that it is."

"No, that isn't the mistake that I am referring to."

"What are you referring to?"

"What caused this, that was a mistake."

"Does he know?"

"Does who know?"

"Your partner."

"Why would I tell him?"

Gibbs scowls, "You know why."

"He doesn't need to know."

"He is your partner, and he does need to know."

"I am not going to tell him."

"He will find out eventually. It will be best if he hears it from you."

"You don't understand."

"Yes, I do, Ziva. You need to understand me. I don't care what happened, or what didn't happen. I don't really want to know about it. You need to tell your partner, you need to fix whatever is broken between the two of you, or I will."

"You will what?"

"I will tell him."

"It isn't that simple."

"When is life ever simple, Ziva?"

"Rarely, but he has made his choice, and..."

"That's what this is about?"

"I..."

He turns, and walks away. She feels a wave of relief as he leaves the room. He returns to the squad room. He stops at DiNozzo's desk.

"You need to go talk to your partner."

"I thought that you just did."

"Go talk to her."

"Why? I don't even know what her problem is."

"Her problem is you."

"Me? What does that mean?"

"You've broken a lot of rules lately. You've broken one of the most important ones."

"Which one would that be?" Tony questions.

"Rule number eight."

"Eight? Never take anything for granted."

"Yes, DiNozzo it applies to people to."

"I don't take her for granted."

"Really?"

"Maybe I do, a little bit."

"Fix it."

"Fix what?"

"She has feelings too, you know."

"Feelings? You are talking about Ziva, and feelings, in the same sentence."

"She has feelings too. You can't trample all over them, and expect for everything to be alright."

"What are you talking about, boss?"

"E.J."

"Oh. Right. Ziva is a little jealous, she'll get over it."

"It's more than that Tony."

"You know something I don't know?"

"Yep. Now go talk to her, or give me your gun and badge."

"You can't be serious."

"Dead."

"Ok, I'm going," he huffs as he walks away.


	2. Hard Promises To Keep

He pushes the door of the women's bathroom open. She leans against the counter, facing him. Obviously she had been expecting him.

"Gibbs sent you?"

"Yes," he nods.

"I don't want to talk to you."

"Ziva, what is going on? Why are you upset? What did I do?"

"Are you really asking me that?"

"This is about E.J.?"

"No, it's not just about her," she shakes her head.

"It's about me not being sensitive to your feelings?" He guesses.

She storms past him. He steps out of her way. She gets three feet out the door, when she realizes that she needs to return. The door closes, and she pulls it back open. She rushes past him, and races for a stall. He listens carefully.

"Ziva are you ok in there?"

A few seconds pass, and she flushes. She heads to the sink, and pulls out a bottle of mouthwash. "Do I look ok?" She answers.

"No, not really," he admits.

He watches her as she rinses her mouth out, and then washes her hands. She leaves her hair in a loose pony tail.

"What's going on? Are you sick?"

"I'm fine."

"You're not fine. If you were fine I wouldn't be here, talking to you."

"You don't even know why you're here."

"How can I, if you don't tell me?"

"You're smart, maybe you should figure it out on your own," she begins to move. He steps in front of her this time, knowing it may not be a wise move. She stops, and looks at him.

"Give me a minute?"

She crosses her arms, across her chest, "Ok," she replies.

"You've come into the bathroom three times this morning. You're never in here that much. You're either hiding, or you're sick. I am guessing that since you just threw up, it is the latter. You're sick, and you're angry with me. And..."

"You are worse at this than I thought," she comments.

"Maybe you could help me out," he replies.

"You need me to connect all of the dots, for you?"

"Maybe just some of them. I'm not sure why you're mad at me, I mean I have a little bit of an idea, but... you're infuriated with me..."

She cuts him off, to keep him from rambling any longer, "I'm pregnant!" she announces.

"Come again?" he scrutinizes her.

"I'm pregnant."

"Oh. That's why you're pissed?"

"Maybe," she shrugs.

"Maybe?"

"Maybe the fluctuation of hormones has something to do with it."

"Does the Miami Heat, know?"

"That I'm pregnant?"

"Yes," he nods.

"No. I haven't told him."

"Why not?"

"I don't think I want him to know."

"I guess that's your choice."

She cocks her head, and rolls her eyes. "Ray, and I... we are just friends."

"Friends with benefits?"

"No. No benefits."

"You haven't slept with him?"

"No. I haven't."

"Oh."

"You didn't know that?"

"No, I just assumed."

"You know what happens when you assume."

"So it's not his?"

"No."

"Is one of those artificial, test tube, sorts of deals?"

She scowls, "No, it's not."

"You're getting angry."

"Getting? I am already angry."

"At me?"

"Yes," she nods.

"For what exactly?"

"For everything."

"For everything? You can't blame me for everything, Ziva."

"Really? I can't?"

"What happened with E.J., it didn't mean anything. It was just sex."

"That's nice to know."

"Your tone of voice doesn't match your words."

"It's nice to know that it's that easy for you."

"Look I'll never speak to her again, if it will fix our partnership. I'm going to look like a jerk, but... at least I'll have you."

"I don't really think that I want to be your partner anymore."

"You don't trust me?"

"I trust you."

"So why don't you want to be my partner?"

"Because of everything that we have been through together. I just... I can't do it anymore."

"Why not?"

"Why not? Tony I am having a baby. That changes things. I have to make changes."

"Why does that change have to include me no longer being your partner?"

"Because I don't... I don't trust myself."

"Trust yourself with what?"

"Right now I hate you. I am infuriated with you, and I'm not entirely sure that if we got into a bad situation, that I wouldn't kill you myself."

"Why would you say that? What have I done to you to make you so angry?"

"Are you really that oblivious?"

"To what?"

"I'm pregnant!"

"You said that, more than once."

"And it is not Ray's."

"So?"

"It's yours!" she exhales, in frustration, on the verge of tears.


	3. Come Back When It Ain't Rainin

He finds himself having a hard time breathing. He stares at her, in shock, unsure of what to say. He watches in horror, as her tears begin to fall. He feels as if he's having an out of body experience, powerless. He watches the scene unfold, and finds himself frozen, unable to do, or say anything.

"You're never going to get it. I should have known that. This was a huge mistake. I never, ever should have... it doesn't really matter now, I guess. I don't want to be your partner anymore. I don't want you in my life anymore. I don't want to do this anymore. I am not going to do this anymore. It is obvious that I am going to be doing this on my own. I just hope that you're happy, with the way things turned out," she wipes away the tears, and pushes past him.

He reacts with thinking. He finds himself between a very angry, and hurt Ziva, and the door. She clenches her jaw, and her nostrils flare. She glares at him. Her hand slowly moves to her belt. He grabs the knife, before she can reach it. He hurls it into the wall.

"Let me go!" she insists.

"If that's what you really want, I will, but you're going to have to make me believe you."

"Just let me go!"

"I might let you walk out that door, but... I am never going to let you go."

"It's a little late for empty promises."

"It's not an empty promise."

"You're going to have to make me believe you."

"You don't believe me?"

"I don't believe you anymore, I can't. I have trusted you, and look where it has gotten me."

"Tell me what to say, what to do, and I'll I will."

"I shouldn't have to. You should know."

"It' a little hard. You caught me off guard."

"I caught you off guard? I am sorry. You don't think that I was caught off guard, too? I woke up one morning, and I realized that the gnawing feeling that I couldn't seem to shake wasn't so much a gnawing feeling, as a feeling of nausea. A feeling that won't go away for months, because it isn't in my head. It..." she trails off. "Maybe you don't understand. I give you more credit than you deserve, sometimes. I never wanted this. Five years ago, I would not have even considered it, any of it. But, this is now, my decision has been made, and if you do not want to live with it, I will leave."

He looks into her eyes, "I don't want you to leave."

"You don't want a lot of things."

"Why are you so angry at me? Are you angry because I got you pregnant, and you now you feel like you have to do something that you don't want to?"

"I am not angry, because I'm pregnant."

"Why are you so angry, then?"

"I am angry because you pretend like nothing happened. You pretend like it was just another day, and... it wasn't."

"What did you expect? You know me."

"I guess that I expected more."

"More? I..."

"And you are not willing to give me anymore. I only wish that I had known that, before I got myself into this mess."

"This mess?"

"Trying to figure this out, on my own."

"I'm sorry."

"You don't even know what to be sorry for."

He pushes her hair away from her face. "I make a lot of mistakes," he admits.

"We crossed a line. A line that never should have been crossed."

She watches as a flash of clarity flickers in his eyes. He shakes his head. "You aren't one of them."

"I'm not one of what?"

"I've made a lot of mistakes, but you aren't one of them."

"Is that why you left before I woke up? Or why you didn't mention it? Is that why you proceeded to sleep with E.J."

"I thought that it was just sex."

"I know what you thought."

"I thought that for you, it was just sex. The last time I checked you had no qualms with having sex with someone, just for the sex."

"You think I couldn't have found someone else, for that?"

"You are the one who propositioned me," he points out.

"Are we really doing this? Are we really going to argue about who is to blame, here?"

"You came up to me, and told me that you thought we should have sex."

"You didn't do anything to stop it."

"I thought that it was just sex."

"Can I go now? We have work to do, and I do not particularly care to finish this conversation... ever."

"We have to finish this conversation."

"Why? Why can't we leave it alone, along with the other things we left unsaid?"

"You're pregnant."

"What's your point?"

"With my child."

"It doesn't matter. I know that you don't want this responsibility. I know that you don't want a child. Do you really think that I am naive enough to think you are going to want anything to do with being a parent? I'm not. I want to be clear. I do not expect anything from you, I do not want anything from you. Just... leave this alone."

"Leave it alone? Do you think that I am so self-absorbed, so immature that I wouldn't take on my responsibility to this baby?"

"I don't want you to."

"You don't want me to?"

"I don't want you to do it, because you feel you have to."

"Have to? I don't do anything, because I have to."

"No, you certainly don't."

"I don't feel like I can win this argument, no matter what I say."

"Because it isn't an argument, it is life."

"Would you just stop, for a second, and listen to me?"

"I have been listening."

"Turn off your inner dialogue, for a minute, and really listen."

"Listen to what? What do you have to say, that is so important?"

"When I thought that I had lost you forever... there wasn't anything I wouldn't have given, to get you back. I am not going to lose me again."

"Lose me? How can you lose me? You don't have any claim over me. I am not yours."

"You're right, you're not mine. I thought that actions spoke louder than words, but I guess not. When you're done hating my guts, we'll talk."

"About what? There is nothing to talk about."

"Cool off. I don't want to talk to you, when you're like this, because you don't hear anything that I say. When you are not quite so angry with me, let me know, and we'll finish this conversation."

"I don't know if that day will ever come."

"It will."

"I hope it's not too late."

"Too late? What does that mean?"

"The CIA has offered me a position, and I'm going to take it."


	4. She's In Love With The Boy

He jogs down the stairs, into the basement. He flips on the light. He hears her, before he sees her. He hears her breathing. He takes a step towards his unfinished boat. He finds her lying inside. Her fingers are laced together, they rest behind her head.

"I would offer you a drink, but it isn't exactly appropriate for this situation."

"No. I would like for it to be. I would like a drink, but... I can't have one."

"What are you doing here?"

"I can go. I just..."

"The door is always open. This has to do with your conversation with Tony?"

"I don't know anymore. I just know that this seems to be the one place in the world, that I feel at peace."

"I know what you mean."

"There are rules for a reason. I should have known not to break them."

"You didn't break any rules."

"Rule number one, never screw your partner?"

"Rule number one? The most misquoted rule of them all. It's never screw over your partner, there is a difference."

"I made a mistake."

"We all make mistakes."

"I was offered a position with the CIA."

"And you want to take it?"

She simply nods. He moves away from the work bench, and squats down next to the boat. He maintains eye contact with her.

"You want my permission?" He doesn't wait for an answer, "Ziva I'm not going to give you permission. Not this time."

"This is different."

"I am not going to let you go anywhere. You can't keep running. You have to face this, even if it hurts, even if it doesn't turn out the way that you want it to."

"I can't work with him anymore."

"You can, and you will."

"But I don't want to."

"That is too bad."

"I just..."

"Ziva have you ever been sailing?"

"I've been on lots of boats."

"But have you ever gone sailing, just for fun?"

"No, why does it matter?"

"You need to go sailing," he insists.

"I don't have a boat."

He smiles, "You can have this one, when it's done."

"I can't just go sailing."

"Why not?"

"By the time you finish this boat I won't be able to just set sail, anytime I want."

"No, but you'll find the time."

"Why?"

"Because it's important."

"Who will..."

"Ziva you have to give him a chance."

"A chance to do what? Screw up?"

"You'll never know that, if you don't give him a chance."

"He has had enough chances."

"You can't expect him to do what you want, when he doesn't know what that is. You need to tell him."

"I thought that I had."

"In no uncertain terms. Don't make him read between the lines."

"Why are you so insistent that I work things out with him? If I can find a way to work with him, without killing him, why does it matter, to you?"

"It's not about me."

"What is it about, then?"

"The two of you are having a child together."

"I am having a child, he just..."

"Whether you like it or not, it ties the two of you together, for the rest of your lives. You've got to work it out."

"I don't want to. I have tried so hard, to make it work."

"Try harder."

"What is the use?"

"You have an obligation."

"To who?"

"Your child. Being a parent isn't easy. It is the hardest job you're ever going to have, but... it is the best job you'll ever have. Maybe you don't understand now, but you will."

"How? When?"

"The first time you hold your child, you'll understand. You look at your new baby, and everything changes, believe me. You are going to have days that you don't want to get out of bed, but you do, because of them."

"Even when they're gone?"

"Especially then. There are things that you aren't going to want to do, but you will, for your child. You have to give up pieces of yourself, that you've held on for too long. You will be afraid that you will lose part of yourself, but sometimes you have to get rid of some of those pieces, to make room for new ones."

"What if I can't? What if I can't do this? I know how to keep someone alive, but I don't know how to be someone's parent. I don't know where to start. I never know the right thing to say, or the right thing to do. What happens when my child comes up to me one day, and asks me about my past, what am I supposed to say?"

"You just tell the truth. No matter what, you tell the truth."

"The truth isn't..."

"It makes us who we are. You have to get through the bad, to get to the good."

"I have no maternal instinct. I..."

He cuts her off, "Sometimes the things we need to see, can't be seen. You just have to believe that everything that you need, will come, in due time."

He turns around, and goes over to a shelf underneath the stairs. He pulls out a pillow and a blanket. He hands them to her.

"I'll see you in the morning."

"Good night," she takes the pillow, and blanket from him.

He flips off the light, on his way up the stairs.


	5. Walkaway Joe

He walks past the front door, and finds a figure standing outside. He backtracks, going to the door. He pulls it open.

"Are you coming in?"

"I'm not sure, yet."

"The door is always open."

"Can I ask you something?"

"You can."

"Boss, what am I supposed to do? How do I fix the mess that I made?"

Gibbs smiles, "Just tell her the truth."

"What if she doesn't want to hear it."

"The truth is all that she wants."

"She won't answer my phone calls, and she isn't at her apartment. Do you know where she is?"

"The boat could be sanded," he answers.

"I'm not any good at sanding."

"Maybe you should learn."

"But the splinters..."

"You'll probably get a few along the way, but they're temporary."

"Ok," he nods in understanding.

He finds his way to the basement. He flips on the light, at the bottom of the stairs. He takes a seat, on the bottom stair.

"I've done a lot of dumb things."

"No argument here," she replies.

"I will probably continue to do dumb things."

"Most likely."

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"Not understanding, what you were trying to tell me, all along."

"What do you mean?"

"The looks."

"The looks?"

"Your eyes, they never shut up."

"Sometimes I think that you're delusional."

"Sometimes I think that too."

"Why are you here?"

"I couldn't find you."

"Why did you come here?"

"I thought that you might be here."

"You found me. I am fine. You should go."

"No."

"No?"

"I broke the rules, but you shouldn't be punished for that."

"What rule?"

"Number eight. I took you for granted. I guess I just thought that you would always be here, that I would always have you. You're right, I have no power over you. You are your own person. I have no right to make your decisions for you. I have no right to be jealous, because you've never been mine. But even that, is my fault. You don't say what you feel, and I can't. That is our problem. We just expect that the other one will understand, and we don't always. You trusted me, and I betrayed that trust. For that I am truly sorry."

"Being sorry is a waste of time."

_December 17th, 2010_

_"You want to grab a drink?"_

_"Ok," she agrees._

_He smiles, surprised that she has agreed. _

_Half an hour later he sits at a bar, just looking at her. She swallows her drink, and her head turns, catching him. She furrows her brow._

_"What?" she questions._

_"Nothing," he smirks._

_"If it's nothing why are you smiling?"_

_"I'm just smiling at you. I am allowed to do that, aren't I?"_

_"No," she shakes her head. _

_"Then I won't."_

_"Why are we here?"_

_"We're just having a drink."_

_"Yes, but why? We aren't celebrating anything. We aren't commiserating, are we?" _

_He shrugs, "Maybe."_

_"What would you be doing here, on a Friday night, if I wasn't here with you?"_

_"I'd be drinking."_

_"You're doing that now."_

_"I'd be looking for someone to take home."_

_"Oh."_

_"What about you, what would you be doing?"_

_"The same."_

_"Why?"_

_"Why? Tony, what kind of question is that?"_

_"Are you looking for someone to take home because you're looking for a relationship, or mindless sex?"_

_"The second one, I guess."_

_"Why?"_

_"Why? Relationships are complicated. They come with expectations, and... I don't really have the time."_

_"You like to get what you want."_

_"Doesn't everyone?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"Don't let me stop you," she tells him._

_"Stop me, from what?"_

_"Looking for someone to take home," she answers._

_"I'm here with you, I don't need to look for someone to take home."_

_"You think that you're taking me home?"_

_"No. I don't think that. I know better."_

_"What do you mean, you know better?"_

_"I know better than to think that if I get a couple of drinks in you, I can get you in bed. You aren't that easy..."_

_She cuts him off, "I'm not that easy?"_

_"You're not that easily manipulated," he answers._

_"I see."_

_"You're getting irritated with me?"_

_"No," she shakes her head._

_"Then what is that look for?"_

_"You might be surprised."_

_"And why is that?"_

_"We're here, and we're both looking for the same thing."_

_"I'm not drunk enough," he answers._

_"I would hope not, you've only had to drinks."_

_"So have you, I know that amount of alcohol has not swayed your thinking. We're partners."_

_"We know everything about each other."_

_"What's your point?"_

_She smiles, "I think you know."_


	6. Let You Go

"I thought it was a one time thing. I..."

"So did I," she admits.

"Then why are you so angry at me? Please just explain it to me."

"I am not really angry with you, I am angry with myself."

"Why?"

"Because it was just supposed to be sex. It wasn't supposed to mean anything."

"But it did?"

"I am not that person. I am not someone who has sex with someone, and equates it to love, or thinks that it translates into feelings, of any sort."

"But it did?"

"For the first time in my life, I woke up alone, and I was disappointed, instead of relieved."

"I didn't think that you would want me to stick around."

"Neither did I."

"What happened, to us?"

"What do you mean?"

"When did we start acting like a married couple? A pair of people, in a partnership, who don't talk about anything, anymore. Two people who are always together physically, but usually oceans apart? What happened? When did we become so out of sync? I used to know what you were thinking all the time, and now I can barely read you."

"Maybe I shut you out."

"Can you let me in?"

"It isn't that easy."

"I know that it's not easy."

"I made a mistake."

"We all make mistakes."

"I made a mistake, having sex with you."

"You think that..."

She follows his train of thought, and answers before he finishes the question, "I don't think that getting pregnant was a mistake. It was an accident, but not a mistake."

"So why was the sex a mistake?"

"Because we went too far."

"We went too far? That isn't it."

"Really? That's why you didn't bring it up again?"

"No. I didn't bring it up, because I was afraid."

"Of what?"

"Losing you. That night was... it was perfect. I've never... we know each other so well, and I guess that scared me. I didn't want to hurt you. I didn't want you to think that there could be more, because I am scared to death of any form of commitment."

"Why?"

"Because it always ends badly. I couldn't handle that. I can't go through that again. I've lost a lot of people, in my life. When I thought I lost you, it was different. You are the only person who gets me. You are the only person in the whole world, that makes me feel lost, when you're not around. I just don't want to hurt you."

"I know that," she admits.

"Then why do you let me?"

"Because I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to push you into a corner, with no way out. I don't want to make me the only choice. I have never wanted to stand in your way. I am not good for you. I..."

He cuts her off, "Not good for me? I've been shot at, and captured, and nearly blown up, since I've known you, but without you, I'm lost. No one makes me feel the way that you do. When I think about losing you, I feel like I can't breathe."

"I don't think that things between us could ever work."

"Why not?"

"Because no matter how much I trust you, I still don't know how to let you in. I don't think I can ever let you see, through all the armor. I know that will frustrate you. I know that eventually the things I don't say will drive us apart."

"You're condemning it to an end, before it's even begun?"

"My parents... I am not really even sure why they ever got married. I suppose that they were in love, at some point, but they were like oil and water. They pushed each other, and in the end... they hated each other. They spend a lot of time apart, but even when they were together, you could feel the distance between that. I don't want my child to feel caught in the middle of that."

"You think that being apart would be better?"

"Yes."

"I disagree, but..."

"Why?"

"Because everyone else... they're not you."

"Why did you sleep with her?"

"I don't like being alone, and you're never available."

"I see."

"I want to ask you something."

"Ok."

"If you had decided differently, you never would have told me, would you?"

"Decided what differently?"

"Gone the other way?"

"I don't know," she shrugs.

"You don't know? You didn't play the scenario out, in your mind?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"The decision was made, without any difficulty."

"What do you mean?"

"I had made up my mind, before I even took the test."

"You didn't consider the other option?"

"No. Did you expect that I would?"

"Yes," he admits.

"Is that what you wanted? Would you have preferred that I had made all of this go away, and never tell you anything?"

"No. I just thought you would have a hard time, making up your mind. It isn't a decision that can be reached lightly. It's not something..."

"You think that I don't want to do this?"

"I'm not questioning your motives, I just want to know."


	7. When The Going Gets Tough

"Just because I've taken a lot of lives, does not mean that I don't value them."

"That isn't what I'm getting out."

"I can do a lot of things, but that isn't one of them."

"Even if it means doing it on your own? Working sixty hours a week to provide opportunities to a child that you don't get to see nearly enough. Even if it means feeling torn between your job, and your responsibility to your child? Even if it makes you miserable?"

"You are not a woman, you don't understand."

"Make me understand."

"People have expectations of you, they have pre-conceived notions, of who you are, and what you believe. I believe that every woman has the right to make whatever decision she wants. Sometimes it's not the right time. Sometimes it's not the right situation. Sometimes it's a product of something, that she would like to forget. If a woman does not want to have a child, she shouldn't. She shouldn't make that decision based on what any man wants, either way. The decision has to be hers."

"I would never ask you to do anything that you didn't want to be."

"You are honestly telling me that if you could take back that night, knowing what you know now, you wouldn't?"

"Why are you doing this?"

"Why am I doing what?"

"Punishing me?"

"You think that me having this baby is a punishment?"

"No. I think you thinking that assuming I feel that way, is punishment."

"Assuming you feel what way?"

"Assuming that I am going to walk away. Assuming that I don't want this."

"I don't really care what you want. I just want you to be honest."

"I will be honest, when you are."

"About what?"

"Why are you doing this?"

"Doing what?"

"Having this baby. I just want to know why."

"Does it matter?"

"Please, just tell me the reason."

"My whole life, I tried to be different than everyone else. I didn't want the same life that everyone else I knew had. I spent a long time trying to figure out who I was, and what I wanted. I fought hard to get where I am at today. I always thought that I would never want this. I have always liked children, I just never wanted one of my own."

"What changed?"

"I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought that I knew how I would feel, but I was wrong. I don't really remember a time when I have been more wrong."

_February 14th, 2011_

_She sits on the edge of the bathtub. She looks at the clock, it tells her that she has plenty of time, before she needs to be at work. Of course she did, she had foregone her run that morning, instead opting for a stop at the local drugstore. It was funny really, how she had ignored all of the signs, for so long. It had been eight weeks since she had slept with... anyone. It had been four weeks of nausea, and nearly two weeks of vomiting, and still, she was unwilling to admit the truth to herself. _

_She stares at the plastic stick in her hand. She finds herself surprisingly calm, as she stares at the word 'Pregnant', on the test. This wasn't the right time. It was definitely the wrong situation... so why didn't it seem to matter? As she feels another wave of nausea hit she wonders why she wasn't afraid. Why wasn't she frantically searching the phone book, for a number to get this taken care of?_

_She had never expected that her life would include children. She liked them. She just never expected to have any of her own. She had seen the world, and she had always thought bringing a child into it, was foolish. Yet here she was, completely unfazed about being a fool. Why weren't alarm bells going off in her head? She was pregnant. Eight weeks pregnant, with a baby. A baby whose genetics were half hers, and half her partner's. A partner who she had feelings for, that she was not quite ready to sort out. And here she was pregnant, with his baby. _

_That would complicate things, between them. For some reason, though, she didn't really seem to care. This was her chance. A chance at redemption. A chance to prove everyone wrong. She hadn't had an ideal upbringing. She had made a lot of mistakes, but... this didn't seem like one of them. It was definitely unplanned, unexpected, and accidental, but it didn't matter. _

_This was her way to prove that not everyone is destined to become who they are, because of their genetics, or even because of their environment. On some rare occasions people become what no one would have expected. Because she was one of the few people, who had realized that no matter what her life was, or had been, no matter what cards she had been dealt, she always had the option, to rise above it. She always had the option, to pave her own way._

He scrutinizes her as she speaks. He is so entranced by her, that he doesn't realize she's stopped talking.

"Are you still in there?"

His eyes meet hers, "Yep."

"I can't give you a reason. I just know that I've never been more sure about anything, in my whole life."

"Oh."

"You haven't said much," she points out.

"Because I don't want to say the wrong thing."

"It wouldn't be the first time. Just tell me what you're thinking."

"You are right."

"I am right about a lot of things."

"I'm not ready to be a parent. I do wish that I could take that night back. But not for the reasons you think. I only wish this could have happened under better circumstances."

"With someone else?"

"No, just on better terms."

"You don't want to be a part of this, do you?"

"I do, but I can't. You deserve better, you deserve more. So does this baby. I know if I try to do the right thing, I will just end up disappointing everyone. I don't want to disappoint you. I don't want to disappoint this baby. I am not qualified to be anyone's father. There are a lot better candidates out there. I don't want to screw up your kid, so I'll just stay away from it."

"That's really what you want?"

"It's not what you want?"

"Since when has what I wanted ever mattered?"

"I'm asking."

"You're the one who has to live with the decision you make. I will understand if you don't want to do this. I said that a woman shouldn't have a child if she doesn't want one."

"I can't stop you."

"No, but you shouldn't become a parent, if you don't want to."

"You're really going to let me off the hook?"

"I am not going to fight you, to get you to be in this baby's life. I will not ask you to be involved, if you don't want to be."

"You didn't create this by yourself."

"So?"

"I am partly responsible. I will be financially responsible, you shouldn't have to do this all on your own."

She shakes her head, "No. I don't expect that, I do not want that. You're either in, or your out. There is no in between. Are we clear?"

"Yes, mama bear."


	8. Silence

Days turn into weeks, weeks into a month. A month, it turns into two, and before they know it time is passing them by. They find themselves nearing the end of spring, at the cusp of summer. Memorial day is just a few days away, the weather is heating up, and so is crime.

They find themselves swamped with new cases, but there was something different about the NCIS squad room, lately. Maybe it was the audible hum of computers. Or the visibly pregnant, former Israeli, in the corner. The woman, now, nearly six months pregnant, is more irritable, and irresistible than ever. Her partner stares at her, from across the room, barely unable to control himself. He finds her more beautiful than ever. Maybe it was the glow.

No, that wasn't it. It was the silence. There was no laughing. There was no bickering. He didn't pick at her. She didn't jest with him. Instead there was an awkward silence, a palpable tension between them. They barely spoke to each other, and when they did it was only out of necessity. It was always case related. Neither of them cared to rehash the not so distant past.

He never brought it up, and neither did she, although it was rather difficult. After all, paradigm shift in their relationship, the thing they avoided talking about, was literally right in front of them. Well, it was in front of her, mostly. But it was physically, right between them, most of the time.

McGee sits at his desk, typing away at his computer. He is completely consumed by his thoughts. Now they operated more as four individuals, than a team. He tries to remain focused on his work, even though silence between his co-workers is nearly intolerable. He had once found solace in the silence, but now... he didn't welcome it. He missed the way that things once were. He missed the old Tony, and Ziva. The labored sigh catches him off guard. He looks up.

Her eyes wander from her computer screen. She finds three pairs of eyes staring in her direction. She furrows her brow.

"What?"

"What was the sigh for?" McGee questions.

"Sigh, what sigh?" she asks.

"That heavy sigh you just let out," Tony answers.

"I guess I'm just tired of sitting."

Gibbs grabs the phone. They attention shifts to him. He hangs up the telephone, and looks back at them.

"Why are the three of you still sitting there? Pack your gear. We've got a dead marine."

"Music to my ears," Ziva admits.

"It's not a pretty song," Gibbs replies, as they move towards the elevator.

"Anything is better than the silence," McGee mumbles under his breath.

Six feet stop, dead in their track. The fourth pair stops seconds later, only to realize that the people belonging to the other three are looking at him questioningly.

"What?"

"McGee you do realize you said that out loud, right?" Gibbs wonders.

"Said what?"

"I believe your exact words were, 'Anything is better than the silence,'. Care to explain that one, McGrumpy?"

"Well, actually, Tony, I would."

"Really? Then explain."

"I don't really care what issues you and Ziva have, but they are starting to effect all of us. They're bringing everyone down. I used to hate the way the two of you argued about every little thing, but I got used to it. Now you two barely speak to each other. The silence is killing me. Have the two of you noticed what you're doing to everyone around you?"

"Like what?" Tony stamps his foot.

"Have you been in Abby's lab lately?" Gibbs chimes in.

"I was just down their yesterday, why, Boss?"

"Because, DiNozzo, there is no music. There hasn't been for a month."

"I didn't notice."

"I suppose you didn't notice that she only drinks one caf-pow a day now, either," Ziva reveals.

"No," Tony shakes his head.

"You are oblivious to a lot of things, Tony," Ziva jabs.

"Ignorance is bliss," Tony retorts.

"For who?" McGee wonders.

"He's got a point," Gibbs admits.

"Don't we have a murdered body to get to?" Tony inquires.

"He'll wait," Gibbs answers.

"For what?"

"Hell to freeze over?" Ziva guesses.

"Is that how long it's going to take for the two of you to figure some viable solution out?" Gibbs interrogates.

"He is slow," Ziva points out.

Gibbs smacks them both on the back of the head, "Get it together."

"Any suggestions on how?" Tony probes.

Gibbs smiles, "Yeah, try harder."

"I'll keep that in mind boss," he answers as they begin to move again. This time they stop, when they reach the elevator. The doors open seconds later, and they all pile on. The doors close, and the silence returns. Tony, and Tim stand at the back of the elevator. Gibbs, and Ziva stand in front of them.

"Stop it!" McGee warns.

Ziva's head spins around. She catches Tony staring at her. She follows his line of sight.

"Really? You're looking at my butt?"

"I was just admiring it. I had never noticed how nice it was, before."

"That is because it wasn't as nice before," she quips.

"Have you been doing some sort of work out? The stair-master, maybe?"

"No."

"So what's your secret?"

"You want to know my secret?"

"Yes," he nods.

She spins around. She points to her rounded stomach.

"It's not really a secret," she answers.

"How does that have anything to do with your butt?"

"It's just a place for extra fat to accumulate."

"Extra fat? Extra fat, for what?"

Tim shakes his head, "The baby, you idiot."


	9. What You Didn't Do

He finds that he is the only one left in the squad room, late that May night. Tim has left only fifteen minutes earlier. Ziva had been gone for over an hour, and then only because Gibbs had insisted. Tony had no reason to go home. He didn't really need to be left alone with his thoughts. Where was Gibbs, anyway?

He feels a hand make contact with the back of his head. He turns, and looks at Jethro.

"What was that for? I'm sitting here doing my work. Why am I being punished?"

"That's not what it's for."

"What did I do now?"

"It isn't as much about what you have done, but what you haven't done."

"And what is that?"

"Fixed your partnership."

"It's work in progress."

"How can you be making any progress? The two of you don't talk to each other anymore."

"What am I supposed to say?"

"Something that will fix it."

"Why do I have to be the one to fix it?"

"She's not the one in the wrong."

"How am I the bad guy in this? She's pregnant, and everyone is upset with me."

"Yeah, because you're being an idiot," Gibbs answers bluntly.

"Why am I the one getting blamed for everything?"

"You got her pregnant."

"She was there too."

"You are the one who is being an idiot."

"What am I supposed to do?"

"Man up."

"She doesn't need me."

"Tony, do you even know what she's having."

"She's having a baby," he replies.

"I mean boy, or girl."

"Does she even know?"

"Don't you think that's something you should know?"

"Why? I never asked for this. I am not ready for a kid."

"She did not make that baby on her own."

"She doesn't need me to help her raise it."

"She doesn't _need _you. Did it ever occur to you that your kid might _need_ you?"

"I am not qualified to be anyone's parent."

"What is your problem?"

"I'm just trying to do what's best."

"For who? You? You're being selfish. You're being chicken. You need to get over yourself. It isn't about you anymore. It's not even about her. It is about that child. Your child."

"I can't be it's father."

"Why the Hell not?"

"She doesn't want me to be."

"That's not true. It's not even a good excuse."

"She doesn't want me around isn't that obvious?"

"How would you know that?"

"I just do."

"Did she tell you that."

"I..."

"You don't talk to her. You talk about the cases, when you have to. You don't even talk about the weather, or your stupid movies to her, anymore. You don't ask her how she is, or what's going on in her life. Don't you think that you should be talking to her?"

"About what? What is there to talk about?"

"I don't know," he shrugs, "Maybe the two of you could talk about something you have in common."

"We don't have anything in common."

"Really? What about the baby that she's carrying, the one that belongs to you."

"It belongs to her."

"Why are you running scared? What are you afraid of? How much worse do you really think you could make this?"

"I don't know how to fix this. I wouldn't know where to start, even if I could. I know that my whole life my father did nothing but disappoint me. I don't want that for my child."

"So you are choosing not to be there, at all, because you are afraid that you're going to make a mistake."

"It's not just that."

Tony's phone rings. "Hello? Yeah, I'll be right down." He leaves the squad room without another room. He rides the elevator to the lab. He gets off, and steps into the lab. He finds Abby waiting on him.

"What do you got for me?"

"Nothing."

"You asked me to come down here."

"I don't have anything new for you."

"So why did you call me down here?"

"To ask you when you became such a pansy."

"Excuse me?"

"Why are you being an idiot?"

"Why does everyone keep asking me that?"

"Because you are being an idiot."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, just fix it."

"I can't fix it."

"What is wrong with you? Ziva is pregnant."

"Abby, I know."

"With your baby."

"I know."

"Where have you been?"

"Right here?"

"When she's needed you."

"She doesn't need me."

"Did you know that she spent a night in the hospital last weekend."

"No. How would I?"

"She called you, three times. You never answered."

"My phone died, and I left the charger in the Charger."

"Now is not the time for jokes."

"She's fine."

"What if she hadn't been?"


	10. Stupid Is, As Stupid Does

"Why are you being so hard on me?"

"I am trying to understand why you are being so cold. Why are you distancing yourself from her? Why are you trying to pretend that it never happened? What are you so afraid of?"

"She is better off without me."

"You don't believe that. Tell me the real reason."

"You wouldn't understand."

"I am understanding."

"I can't be a part of the baby's life."

"Why not?"

"Because that involves me being a part of her life."

"Why does that bother you? You love her."

"I know."

Abby's eyes lock onto his face. "Oh."

"I love her."

"Then what's the problem?"

"Have you ever lied to someone you loved?"

"Sure."

"I can't lie to her. I can't pretend that I don't love her. If I have to do this with her... I just, I can't."

"Because you love her?"

"I love her, I am always going to love her. I just want her to be happy."

"You think that being a single parent is going to make her happy?"

"Finding someone that she loves, and loves her back, that is what I want."

"You love her."

"But she doesn't love me. Do you know how hard it is to work with her every single day, and know that I love her? And know that I hurt her?"

"Do you know how big of an idiot you are?"

"Why don't you tell me?"

"You really are dumber than I thought."

"What makes you say that?"

"Because she loves you too."

"You don't know that."

"Yes I do."

"How? Did she tell me?"

"Do you think she would have to?"

"Did she?"

"It isn't obvious to you that she loves you?"

"No. How would it be?"

"She's having your baby."

"So?"

"Do you see her having anyone else's baby?"

"I don't see anyone else offering her one."

"There are a lot of men in her past. You don't find it odd that she never had a baby with any of them?"

"Maybe she didn't want to."

"She didn't want to? Things happen for a reason."

"Things, what things?"

"You think that she's ever been pregnant before?"

"How would I know. It's not something I have ever asked her. Why does it matter?"

"She hasn't."

"So I have some sort of magical sperm or something?"

"No," she shakes her head.

"What's your point, Abs?"

"Maybe this happened for a reason."

"I doubt it."

"She is having your baby."

"You said that already."

"Right now she can't stand to be in the same room with you."

"And?"

"She's still having your baby."

"It's her baby."

"Not just hers, yours too."

"You think she chose to keep it because it's mine?"

"No, I don't. She would have kept it, no matter what."

"So why are you bringing it up?"

"She is infuriated with you right now. She is so angry at you that she can barely stand to look at you, but she's still having your baby. You don't think that's love?"

"For the baby, not for me."

"She loves you."

"No, she doesn't."

"She does," Abby argues.

"What makes you so sure?"

"She told me."

"She told you?"

"Yes," she nods.

"Ziva wouldn't tell you that. Not in a million years."

"Really? She's hormonal."

"So, that doesn't mean that she is a different person."

"Who do you think that she called when she couldn't get a hold of you?"

"You?"

"Me," she nods in confirmation, "She was scared. She wanted you, and only you, and she got me. She was scared, and she told me things that she never would have told me, but you weren't there. She needed you, and you weren't there."

"She doesn't need me."

"Don't you get it? She was scared, and vulnerable, and the only person she wanted to see, was you? No matter how angry she is at you, you are the first person she calls. You will always be the first person that she calls. She needs you, just like you need her."

"That's not true."

"Yes it is."

"No," he argues, "it's not."

"Like the sky needs the stars, and the moon, and the sun, she need you."

"Then why hasn't she ever said that?"

"Why would she? So you can hurt her again?"

"I would never do anything hurt her."

"You already have."


	11. A Traumatic Entrance

The elevator doors close, and he finds himself stuck with her. She stands in front of him, doing her best to ignore his presence. It was difficult to ignore her. She was twenty nine weeks along.

"How are you feeling?"

"How am I feeling? Why are you making small talk?"

"I was just curious."

"How do you think I'm feeling?"

"I am carrying around an extra twenty five pounds, and it is a hundred degrees outside. The traffic was horrific this morning, and I can't stand my partner."

"Do you know what you're having?"

"Why do you care?"

"I was just wondering."

"You have been wondering a lot of things the past several weeks. Why?"

"Just curious."

"But why?"

"Trying to show some interest in your life."

"Well don't."

"So was that a no?"

"To what?"

"Do you know what you're having?"

"No, I do not," she lies.

"Do you have any names picked out?"

"Do you think that I would share, if I did?"

"No."

"So why are you asking?"

"Because I'm trying to get us back to the way we used to be. When we talked to each other. When we bickered. When you stole my food. When we annoyed each other, but we still enjoyed being together."

"We're probably never going to get back to the way we used to be. Too much has changed. Too many things have been said, that can't be taken back."

"Would you believe me, if I said that I'm sorry?"

She turns around, and shoots him a look. "For what?"

"Hurting you. For everything."

"No," she replies coldly.

"Because I am."

"I don't believe you."

"Because actions speak louder than words?"

"Because I can't trust you anymore."

The elevator doors open. They find Tim, and Jethro standing outside them. They climb onto the elevator, and close the doors.

"Morning Boss. Nice of you to join us on the elevator."

"We're headed to a crime scene, DiNozzo."

"Please tell me that it is inside," Ziva begs.

"The body is inside a house, with no air conditioning."

"Great. Just great," she huffs.

They arrive on the scene half an hour later. They go through the house room by room. Ziva heads upstairs, to process it.

Tony looks up, when he hears footsteps from upstairs.

"Do you hear that?" he questions Tim.

"Footsteps? Yes, I hear them. Why are you concerned? Ziva's up there."

"Have you ever been able to hear Ziva's footsteps?" Tony retorts.

"No," Tim admits at Tony heads towards the stairs, with his gun drawn.

Before he can reach her he hears a gun go off. He rushes into the room, to find the assailant escaping out the window, and Ziva on the floor. He finds himself squatting next to her, trying to hold pressure against her bullet wound. He sees her fading.

"Stay with me."

The next several hours blur together. For all of them. Finally four hours later Ziva wakes up. She finds herself in a dimly lit hospital room. She opens her eyes, and looks around. She finds the room full of monitors. She looks over and sees a familiar face, sitting the chair next to her bed. Unfortunately it is not the face she had hoped to see. As she tries to gather her thoughts she realizes that something isn't right. She takes a deep breath, and she realizes something is missing.

He looks over at her. He sees the look of panic hit her face. She shakes her head. "What happened?" she asks him.

"What is the last thing that you remember?"

"Getting shot."

"That's why I told you to get a new vest," he scolds.

"Too late now. Gibbs..."

"Tony found you, and he kept pressure on the wound, until you got here."

"He rode in the ambulance with me?"

"No. Palmer drove you to the hospital. Ducky decided that it was the quickest way to get you here."

"I rode on a stretcher that usually has dead people on it?"

"Yes. When you got here they took you straight to surgery."

He pulls out a jar. He hands it to her. Inside she finds what's left of bullet. She looks at it for a moment. He can see that she cares nothing about the bullet. It's obvious she is concerned about what's missing.

He watches the pained look as she voices her realization, "I'm not pregnant, anymore."

"No," he shakes his head, "You're not."

She feels the emptiness beginning to consume her.

"They had to do an emergency c-section."

"The bullet went in, near his head."

"It didn't hit him in the head."

"Somewhere else?"

"It grazed his shoulder."

"I..."

"You were expecting to see Tony, when you woke up?"

"Yes," she admits.

"He had somewhere more important to be."

"More important? Where would that be? I don't know where his priorities are anymore. I... thought I could trust him. I thought that he would always have my back. Where else would he be?"

"You don't know?"

"Honestly, I feel like I don't know him anymore."


	12. Hello, World

"The bullet just grazed the baby's shoulder. They took him to the NICU."

"Where is Tony?"  
-

He sits next to an incubator, in a rocking chair. Three pounds, and fifteen ounces had never meant so much to him, before. A nurse walks over to the isolet. She reaches inside, and lifts out the baby, who is wide awake. He studies the baby. A tiny cap, and diaper. Wearing a white patch on his shoulder, covering up the laceration that the bullet had left. The doctor had told him it would barely be noticeable, by the time he went to preschool. It would be a sizeable scar, but it would heal nicely.

The nurse approaches Tony. She holds out the baby. He stares at her in horror.

"What do you want me to do?"

She smiles. She places the baby against his chest.

"Just hold him."

"He's so tiny. I don't want to..."

"He's not going to break."

"But I don't want to hurt him."

"You're not going to hurt him."

"Shouldn't he be..."

"There is nothing to worry about."

"Are you sure?"

"Just hold him."

"But what about the oxygen?"

"What do you mean?"

"I don't want to..."

"It's on a very low setting. It's mostly as a precaution. He's doing a pretty good job breathing on his own. We should be able to wean him off it, completely, within the next couple of days."

"Ok," he agrees.

He leans back in the chair. The baby's eye lids flutter, as he listens to Tony's heart beating. The baby presses his hand against Tony's chest. Tony wears a v-neck t-shirt. He feels the tiny, warm hand, pressed against his skin. He gently runs his finger, over the back of the little boy's hand.

"I know, I'm not the person that you want to see right now. I know you would prefer to be with your mom, but you have to wait for her to wake up. We can talk, while you're waiting. I guess you can't talk yet. How about I talk, and you listen?"

The little boy yawns, "What do you think so far? You probably aren't to happy. I don't blame you. You weren't really ready to come out, were you? I know, it's been a rough day. You certainly came into the world with a bang. No pun intended. Hey, at least you'll have a story to tell."

The little boy's eyes close. Tony continues to talk, "I'm sorry that I've been such an idiot. Hopefully you'll understand, one day. I have to say, you're a lot cuter than I thought you'd be. Maybe it's the hair, or maybe it's because you kind of look like your mom. She's going to be surprised when she sees all the hair you have, on your head. I wasn't. You're a DiNozzo, we have hair everywhere."

Gibbs steps into the NICU. He meets the gaze of a nurse, at the desk. She points to a rocking chair, in the corner of the room. He quietly makes his way to the chair. He finds Tony asleep in the chair, with the baby asleep, on his chest.

"DiNozzo?" he says softly.

Tony doesn't make a move. The baby's eyes flutter open. Gibbs smiles, "No buddy, not you, the other one."

Tony's eyes peel open. He stares at the grey-haired man.

"Oh, hey boss. We were just resting our eyes."

"He's going to be a light sleeper, just like Ziva."

"He's been waiting to see her. He's not very patient, you know, he gets that from her."

"Yeah, I'm sure."

"Is she awake?"

"Yes, and she wants to see him. I told her that she'd have to wait."

"Why?"

"She can't come down here. She just had major surgery."

"I'll take him to her."

"You can't..."

A nurse walks up behind him. "No, Agent Gibbs, he's been cleared. He can leave the unit for fifteen minutes at a time. He's stable. They'll transfer him to the regular nursery, in the morning, as long as his stats remain stable through the night."

"Amy?" he looks up at the nurse. "Is that really the best you can do?"

"Why, are you asking?"

"Because once I take him in there, I won't be able to pry him away from her. I doubt that a small rebel army, with large weapons would be able to pry him away from her."

"I'll see what I can do," she answers.

_3 1/2 hours earlier. He goes into the operating room with her. She is heavily sedated, and totally unconscious. He watches her as they cut into her. He sits on a stool next to her head. The room is filled with doctors and nurses. The doctor reaches in, and lifts the baby out of her uterus. Tony hears a cry, and looks up. The nurse motions him over to the incubator. He carefully walks around the table, avoiding taking a look at her insides, sitting outside her body. He watches the nurse as she wipes the baby off, and clears his airway._

_"Why don't you follow us down to the NICU?"_

_"Ok," he agrees._

_When they arrive at the NICU the doctor performs an examination. The little boy cries the entire time. After preforming her assessment, and ensuring that the baby's temperature is stable the nurse bathes him, and wraps him up. He continues to cry. Tony just stares at him. _

_"Are you that upset? It's not so bad out here, I promise. Although, I can understand why you're angry. You weren't ready to come out. Who could blame you? It's rough out here."_

_The baby quiets. His eyes lock on Tony's face. Tony smiles, "You've definitely got a good set of lungs."_

_"That he does," the nurse agrees._

_"Do they usually cry this much?"_

_"Preemies usually don't cry a whole lot. Most babies born at his gestation have to have all their breathing done for them. He's in pretty good shape."_

_"His mother is as stubborn as a mule, he probably inherited that from her," he reveals._

_"Maybe," she shrugs, turning around in her chair, shifting her focus back to the chart._

_"Are you done crying now?" The baby stares at him. "Good."_

_"Agent DiNozzo?"_

_"Yes Amy?"_

_"You know you can hold him, right?"_

_"Hold him? I thought that he was under observation."_

_"He is, but he's breathing on his own, you can hold him, if you want."_

_"I don't know about that."_

_"You've never held a baby that small?"_

_"I've never held a baby, at all," he admits._

_"Oh," she turns around, and gets out of her chair. "Have a seat," she points to the chair in the corner. _

_He follows her instructions. She lifts the baby out of the isolet, and walks over to Tony. She places the baby in his arms. "Remember to support his head."_

_"I thought that he was going to go under the light."_

_"They're all in use. We'll have to wait for the bilirubin clinic to send us down another one. You can hold him until then."_

_He kisses his forehead, and then passes him back to the nurse. She looks at him, and smiles._

_"Your first?" she questions._

_"It's that obvious?"_

_"You're nervous?"_

_"I don't want to drop him."_

_"Ok," she nods, placing the baby back into the isolet. _


	13. Meet In The Middle

She feels anxious, sitting in her room, alone. The door comes open, and a familiar figure comes in. He pushes a basinet in front of him. He stops by her bed. She looks at him questioningly, but doesn't say a word. He carefully lifts the baby out of the basinet, and places him in her waiting arms.

"Here he is," he announces, sinking into the chair next to her bed.

She ignores his presence. She focuses on the baby in her arms. His eyes are closed. She watches as his chest rises, and falls, evenly. She touches his cheek, with the back of her index finger. His eyes fly open. He looks around. He makes a terrible face. She braces herself.

"Please don't cry," she begs. The look immediately dissipates. She tries not to cry, as she looks at him. A tiny little guy, with big blue eyes. A tiny nose, with a tiny nasal cannula, blowing oxygen into his nostrils. Perfectly symmetrical ears. Perfectly formed lips.

He watches her, as she studies her new baby. Without a word he rises from his chair. She doesn't protest as he reaches across her. He pulls off the baby's cap, revealing a head full of hair.

Her fingers pet the thick hair. Finally she meets Tony's glance. She doesn't have to say a word, to know what he's thinking.

"I know, right? Where did he get blonde hair from?" He responds to her look.

Her eyes float back down to the baby in her arms. A little boy, with big blue eyes, and thick blonde hair. This wasn't how she had pictured him. She puts the cap back on his head. He furrows his brow, and she can see the vein in his forehead pulsating.

Tony attempts to diffuse the situation.

"He's going to start crying," he warns.

"I can see that."

He begins to cry.

"You aren't going to be able to talk him out of this one," he adds.

"What are you talking about?"

"If he's just crying to cry if you talk to him he'll stop."

"I guess that he's like you in that respect. He likes to listen to himself."

"He's a far better listener than I am."

"What did I do? Why is he crying?"

"You didn't do anything. He's just hungry."

"Oh," she looks at the squalling baby. "Is that what's wrong? You're hungry?"

"I'll go back to the NICU and get him a bottle."

"Ok," she nods.

He leaves the room. Five minutes later when he returns he realizes that it is silent. He steps into the room, and makes his way towards her. He holds up the bottle. She looks down, and the blanket draped over her.

"He couldn't wait that long," she reveals.

He sinks into the chair next to her bed. "I guess you won't be needing this then."

"No."

"Do you know what you're doing?"

"Are you seriously asking me that?"

"It's a valid question. I mean you are new at this."

"I know what I'm doing, don't worry."

"Does he know what he's doing?"

"It's food."

"What's your point?"

"Have you ever had any difficulty eating?"

"No."

"Exactly. He must take after you, in that respect."

"Ziva?"

"Huh?"

"Are you going to talk to me?"

"It isn't like I can run away."

"True."

"What do you want to talk about?"

"You."

"You want to talk about me? Why?"

"Because you are amazing."

"You want to talk about how amazing I am?"

"Yes."

"Why do you think I'm amazing?"

"Because a few hours ago you were laying sliced open, on a table, with most of your organs hanging outside your body."

"So?"

"You act as if nothing happened."

"I have a responsibility."

"Aren't you in pain?"

"The prescribed pain medication."

"Have you taken any, since you've been awake?"

"No."

"I'm sure what they gave you has worn off by now, hasn't it?"

"Yes. What is your point?"

"You have to be in immense pain."

"I am."

"So why aren't you taking any pain medication?"

"I don't want to."

"To prove that you're strong? Because everyone already knows that."

"No, that's not why."

"Exactly."

"Exactly? What are you talking about?"

"You got shot, had abdominal surgery, an emergency c-section, you're in immense pain, and the only thing you're thinking about is him."

"It's my job."

"When you woke up what was the first thing that you noticed?"

"That I suddenly wasn't pregnant anymore."

"And then?"

"And then I went into panic mode."

"Why?"

"Because I didn't know what had happened. I didn't know if he was ok. I didn't even know that he was alive."

"I know."

"Why is this what we're talking about?"

"Because you're selfless, and I've been a huge jerk. You shouldn't be the only one worrying, about him. You shouldn't have to do this on your own."

"You made your choice perfectly clear. I'm not even really sure why you are here."

"Rule fifty one."

"Rule fifty one?"

"Sometimes you're wrong."

"You are wrong a lot," she points out.


	14. About You Now

"I know."

"Why are you here?"

"Because I've never been so scared in my entire life."

"Of what?"

"The whole time I was in that operating room, with you I don't think that I breathed. I held my breath, until I saw him. I was so scared that something would be wrong. I have never been so relieved to hear someone cry, in my entire life."

"Now you know how I feel."

"And I was scared that you wouldn't wake up. That everything would go wrong, and I would be on my own, with a baby. I don't know how to take care of a baby. I have no idea how to raise him, on my own. I mean they gave you four units of blood. I would have tapped myself, but we're not the same blood type."

"Why are you here? You shouldn't be here. You're the one who doesn't want this."

"Because I'm not going anywhere else. This is where I need to be."

"You said that you didn't want this. You can't just change your mind now."

"I didn't change my mind, I lied."

"You lied?"

"I was scared."

"You expect me to believe that it was a lie?"

"It doesn't matter if you do, or not. I just know that I'm not going anywhere. I'm never going to leave him. I am always going to be there for him."

"Why the change of heart?"

"I may say, and do a lot of dumb things."

"I will not argue with that."

"He's my son. I thought that I could let you do this, but I can't."

"Let me do this?"

"No."

"No? You can't keep me out of his life."

"Yes I can," she argues,

"You're going to make me fight you? To see my own son?"

"A son that you don't even want."

"I want him."

"I don't believe you. I don't know if I can ever believe you, again."

"Ziva, please. I need..." he trails off.

"You need what?"

"I need you to forgive me."

"Why should I?"

"Because I hate this. I can't stand it. I hate that you're mad at me. I hate that I screwed everything up. I need you to forgive me. I need you to say that you believe me. I..."

"I want you to leave."

"Leave?"

"I don't want you here, anymore. I don't want to see you, anymore. I can't do this anymore. I won't do this. I want you gone. I want you to leave, and I never want to see you again."

"Ziva, please don't do this," he begs.

"Go," she insists on the verge of tears.

The door opens, and Gibbs steps into the room. He steps between them. He doesn't even look at DiNozzo. He looks at Ziva. He touches her arm. He begins speaking, softly, "Ziva I know how upset you are. I know how angry you are with him, and you have every right to be. Don't make this worse than it has to be. I don't think you should keep him from his son, but if you decide that, it's your choice. Even if you don't want him in either of your lives, you do, at the very least, need to hear him out."

"He doesn't deserve it," she argues.

"No, he doesn't, but he has something to say to you, that you need to hear."

"I..."

"Why don't I take the little guy back to the nursery, for a while?"

"I..." she begins to argue, but changes her mind, "Ok," she loosens her grip on the baby. He takes the baby, and returns him to his basinet. He wheels him towards the door. He pushes him out the door, down the hallway, towards the nursery.

"Ziva I'm sorry."

"That's it? That's what you have to say to me?"

"No, that's just the beginning."

"I am sorry. I did some really stupid things, I said some really stupid things."

"I know."

"I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm sorry I lied to you."

"Being sorry isn't going to make me change my mind, it isn't going to make me believe you."

"Ziva. There is something I need you to know."

"What?"

"I was scared to death I was going to lose you, in there."

"You said that."

"I told you I was afraid to have to raise him on my own. It's more than that, though. I didn't want anything to happen to him, but I hadn't met him yet. I could live without him, I can't live without you. Now that he's here I know I couldn't live without him, either, but..."

"What are you saying?"

"I need you. If I lost you, I would be completely lost. I would be useless. I was afraid of stepping up to the plate, because... I can't be that close to you, not if I can't have you."

"What?" she furrows her brow.

"I need you."

"I know that you need me in your life."

"No. I need you, because you are my life."

"I think that you need to go home, and get some sleep, you don't know what you're saying."

"Yes I do. I'm saying that I love you."

She doesn't say anything.

"And not because you're the mother of my child, even though that would be enough. I love you, just because."

"No you don't."

"I wasn't there for you, when you needed me. When I was the only one that you wanted, I wasn't there. I know I can never make up for that, but I am sorry. I am so sorry for it. I was a blithering idiot. I should have been there."

"So what stopped you?"

"I was afraid."

"Of what?"

"That you expected me to be the father of your child, and nothing else."

"I..."

"I want more. I want to be more, than the father of your child. I want to be more than your partner. It took me a long time to realize that. It took me even longer to be able to say anything about it. I made a terrible mistake, and I will understand if you can't forgive me, but you should still know how I feel about you."


	15. Chances Are

"I know that you don't want to hear it. I know that you don't want to believe it. The simple fact is; the truth, it the truth. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, and some of them involve you. My biggest ones involve you. I should have told you sooner."

"Don't," she warns.

"I love you."

"You don't love me."

"Yes, I do."

"If you love me why did you do this?"

"Get you pregnant?"

"That wasn't intentional."

"Ziva, I'm not sure what you're talking about."

"Why did you walk away, when I needed you the most? You were the one person, on this Earth, who I thought that I could always count on. You betrayed me. You hurt me. I never thought that..." she trails off.

"I'm sorry. I am so sorry. I made a mistake. I was scared."

"Of what? What were you so damn afraid of?"

"That I would do everything that was expected of me, and I would still screw it up. That I would do everything, and it still wouldn't be enough, for you to love me. I could never live with myself, if I knew that you would never, could never love me."

"That is a load of crap."

"It's not. I was afraid that I would push you away. I was afraid that I would try to make it work, and I would ruin everything."

"So you thought that it would be better to just throw in the towel?"

"I didn't want to hurt you."

"But, you did."

"I didn't think that you needed me, that you wanted me."

"I did."

"I was an idiot. What do you want me to say, or do, to make it up to you."

"Nothing, there is nothing that you can do."

"Time heals all wounds," he points out.

She rolls her eyes.

"While it creates new ones," he adds.

"Exactly."

"I can't promise that I am never going to hurt you again. I can't promise that I will do everything right. All I can promise is that I am going to everything I can, to be a good father. That is all I can promise you. If you never want to be with me, I will learn to live with that. If you want to hate me, I will try to overcome that. I want to be in your life, but I can understand, if you don't want me to be. You have to understand that you are not going to keep my son from me. I want him to have the life that I never had. I want him to have two parents, who he knows loves him, even if they don't love each other, even if they don't like each other. I would do anything for him. I would do anything for you. I will never stop loving you."

"You need to go home, and get some sleep."

"Why? So you can slip out of the hospital in the middle of the night, and take him with you?"

"You don't trust me?"

"I trust you with my life?"

"Then why would you ever think that I would do that? You know me better than that."

"I know you better than anyone else, in your life. I know that you would do anything for him. You nearly died for him, today. You would have laid down your life, so that he could have one. You would do anything, in your power, to protect him. I know that includes keeping him from me, if you thought that I would hurt him, even if it was unintentional. I make mistakes. I admit that. You should know that I am never going to make a promise that I don't keep."

"I can't afford to believe you, right now."

"Are you going to keep him from me?"

"No," she shakes her head.

"Are you ever going to forgive me?"

"Probably not. Lying, and betrayal, those are two things that I do not know how to forgive."

"That's fair, but I think you should also remember another important aspect of our relationship."

"And what is that?"

"Loyalty. No matter what, I have been, and always will be, loyal to you."

"I am not so sure."

"Are you ever going to love me?"

"Do not make me answer that."

"Why not?"

"Please," she begs.

"I have to know. Are you ever going to love me? If it's not I will let you live your life. I can let you move on. I will always be a part of my son's life, but I don't have to be a part of yours, if you don't want me to."

"Don't do this," she pleads..

"Just answer me, please. Are you ever going to love me?"

She wipes away tears, as they trickle down her face. "I already do," she exhales.

"What?"

"I already do," she repeats.

"You do?"

"Why do you think that this hurt me so much? Why do you think that I feel so betrayed. I feel like an idiot. I made the mistake of trusting you. I made the mistake of falling in love with you. I made the mistake of believing that you would never hurt me. But you did. Just like everyone else has. I thought that you were different."

"I am."

"You're going to have to prove that."

"Gladly."

"If it had been anyone else, but you."

"What do you mean?"

"I would have pulled myself up, by my bootstraps, and moved on. I would have soldiered on. It is what I am trained to do. It is what I have done my entire life. This time it was different. If it had been any other man, but you. If he had any other father, but you. But he doesn't. I have a child, a son, with you. Before, I could deny that I had any feelings for you, beyond what was appropriate, between partners. Now I can't. There is proof. There is evidence that isn't true. A little boy, who proves that I do have feelings for you. If I didn't, I can't say that he would be here. I was not ready for this. But..."

"But?"

"Now we are bound together, forever, by a child. We can go our separate ways. We can pretend as if nothing change. We can act as if we have no feelings for each other, but... it would be a lie."

"So what do we do?"

"Right now?"

He nods.

"Nothing. We are not going to do, anything, until I can trust you again."

"How long will that be?"

"I wish that I knew."

"And until then?"

"We will try our best, to work out what is best for our son."


End file.
